The Theme Song of Your Life

Your THEME song... It has been said that the Number 1 song on your 18th birthday is to be your life's theme song. Go to this link, type in your month, day and year of your 18TH BIRTHDAY [NOT that day and year you were born] and hopefully it explains as much for you as it did for me. http://www.thisdayinmusic.com/member/birthdayno1.php Great. Mine was "I Want To Know What Love Is" - Foreigner Figures...

Housekeeping!

This morning was my follow up appointment with the oral surgeon. No more pictures, my cheek looks almost exactly like the other one. Feels great too. The doctor is smack dab on the Sunset Strip. West Hollywood. My old stomping grounds. That area was more so in fact my college stomping grounds. Anyway, the visit took all of ten minutes. When I walked out to get in my car (yes I had my parking karma with me and found a spot right on the corner, not even metered) I noticed there were three Latin ladies each standing on a corner of the intersection on a small street right off of Sunset. I didn’t notice them on the way in but walking back I saw they all were just lingering. There was no bus stop nearby and literally on one of the corners was a coffee shop with chairs outside. I got in my car and sat for a moment. Suddenly a black BMW SUV pulled up with a woman driving. Didn’t appear to be anyone else in the car with her. She rolls down her window, says something to the Latin woman then the Latin women gets in the back seat and they drive off. My only thought is that these women are day laborers who are doing something like housekeeping. For a brief moment I considered that they may be hookers but none of them fit the mold at all. As housekeepers, they were very believable though. I guess it would make sense. I mean Latin men have been trying to get work outside of Home Depots for years now. Hey, what’s good for the gander… Still I would love to know for sure what they are doing there. It’s curious…

Something I Needed, well besides a kick in the head...

This long weekend ended up being a pretty full one despite my plan to relax. Not complaining, it actually was good and even though I’m not at all rested and ready to hit this work week hard, these last few days were an unintended lesson for me. It started off on Saturday spending time with a small group of friends that have been a big part of my life over the past four years. A baby shower at first thought, not exactly my idea of a fun Saturday night. Throw in the facts that it was for a former co-worker and her husband, was hosted at another former co-worker’s new house and attended by a few more former co-workers, all who are good friends, and suddenly it becomes an evening I’ve been looking forward to for a couple of weeks. It was a fun time with a group of people who for a while I spent pretty much most of my life with for several years. I took away from it that even though our lives have all gone through some major changes, we have managed to remain in contact and very much care about each other. Next was Sunday morning and brunch with my ex. I hadn’t seen him in over five years. There are very few people in your life that you can go literally years not seeing and be as comfortable with them the moment you’re in the same room again. He is one of those people. I met him six days before I turned 23. He was 23. We are now 39. Sitting across from him at the restaurant table felt like something I had done a thousand times before. He’s got a little salt and pepper happening on the sides of hair. Probably no more gray than I have in mine. Other than that, exactly how I remember him. He doesn’t even look any older. He is doing exactly what he set out to do. We had some of the same views on topics that we always did. I could have done without finding out his oldest niece is 18 and has graduated from high school (I met her when she was two!) but other than that I walked away feeling warm inside. He will always have a big place in my heart. Sunday evening Laura and I had a couple over that we’ve been spending time with. Getting to know them a lot better. It’s nice to have another couple to get together with. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a situation to appreciate something like this. We had dinner, watched some TV and at 8:00 we were all kicking each other’s asses playing Playstation 2. Today, the general flow of the weekend continued. One of my very old friends came over for the first time to see my place. I think we’ve known each other since I was about 25. He loved my place and it turns out he went to high school just a block away from where I live. My neighborhood brought back all kinds of memories for him. My brother joined us a little later. We ordered food, talked, laughed and once again played some Playstation 2. That multi-tap makes for a fun, fun time. Overall, this weekend taught me that in my life I have effected and been effected by so many great people. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Sometimes I forget to. I suppose this time, this weekend was meant to play itself out the way it did for this reason. I will go back to work tired but pleased and with a warmed heart.

Yucky.

This entry may not be for those who are easily queasy, especially the photos. You’ve been warned… This week I had oral surgery. I had this growth on my cheek that my dentist explained began as a healed area of skin that had at one time been bitten. The healing resulted in a small protrusion. Over time, that small lump got bitten a few more times, each time resulting in it healing a little bigger. Finally, the growth began to get bigger on its own. Over the past month or so it got to be a size that I could no longer avoid as I ate. The growth itself was not painful, just the constant biting of it that would take place as I tried to chew anything in my mouth. So, a referral to an oral surgeon, $475 and a shot and scalpel later and I’m on my road to recovery. I’m four days into post surgery and I’m just about back to feeling back to normal in my mouth. The stitches are just about dissolved. I expect them to be gone by the beginning of next week. Before - Side View Before - Front View After Day 1 After Day 2 Next week I get the results from the lab work that was done on the growth. My dentist and oral surgeon seem to believe there is nothing to be concerned about. Still, I'll feel better once I hear that it was simply a grown, bitten area of cheek. I'll know in four days.

For Once In My Life

Today I live my life wondering how. More importantly, wondering why. Are we all just put here as some sort of test to see how much a body and mind can withstand? Sometimes I feel as though I am but a vehicle, a connector or a gateway for those around me. How many times in my life will my happiness take a backseat before it’s my turn? How many times will I have to be the observer of all that I want? Just on the other side of the glass case. I remember writing once that I felt I was trying to reach you through bullet-proof glass. The dangling carrot. When all is said and done, will we look back and laugh at our stupid decisions or will we shake ours heads in wonderment as to why in the hell we wasted so much time? Precious time. Precious love. Not to be taken for granted. Volumes of written instances proving it’s much too precious to toss aside for momentary sidesteps. God I don’t want to be the one standing off the road in ten years still waiting for that day and questioning why it still hasn’t fallen into place. I know where I’m supposed to be. So why am I having to endure the time in between? Why have we both? There are times I think I had it all figured out when I was finally a walking, talking, breathing robot. But for those ten seconds that I rested my eyes upon you I would still just be numbly getting through my days. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on all of the once-in-a-lifetimes that I have experienced since then. They don’t have to end but I can’t do it alone.

Travelling Back Home

Today I travel back home from a week in Cincinnati. Work kicked my ass this week between not being able to sleep and having to sit through three straight days of hardcore systems training. Invaluable information, just too much all at once. I will go back through the material to absorb it. You are in the driving seat now. You know that too. It won’t always be that way, we go back and forth. I’m tired of this. Still I can’t break this cycle of unending pain and disappointment that we both seem to create. Somehow it still doesn’t outweigh the completeness that only you and I can share. You know this too. I will hurt for as long as I have to. You will enjoy the steering wheel for now. As I sit on this plane headed for my beloved LA I feel like I did during my flight back from San Jose many years ago. I hated the fact that I was sad returning to the only place I will ever be able to call home. I hate that someone or something can take away my usual excitement of returning home. As a kid I used to notice that my friends would be excited to get out of school and go home for the day. It was foreign to me. I never looked forward to getting out of school. It meant I had to be an adult again. Watch over my brothers, make dinner, clean the house, have an upset stomach again when hearing the garage door opening for my Step-Father to park and come in the house. The first time I noticed that feeling had truly subsided was when I drove back to LA after spending my first Christmas as a visitor to my hometown. Driving over the hill to a view of the rollercoasters at Magic Mountain, I would feel the smile form on my face. Rarely am I not happy to return to LA. Today is one of those times. To make matters worse, I wanted to leave Ohio. So where exactly do I want to be? I don’t think the description would give it justice. You will be happy to see me, I will be too. I just wish I could appreciate what is so obviously logically right. I love you, I feel that. I hope you do too. I want to believe I will have more to give. I feel safe with you. I don’t want to allow myself to believe, but somehow I just know you wouldn’t hurt me. Why can’t I just turn it off for good? You don’t deserve me anymore. You don’t deserve my heart anymore. I have so much inside that I just want to be able to trust can be released. How can all this starving love not be for someone? Someone who has truly earned it. I’m not a kid anymore and I know what is good for me. Unfortunately, my stunted growth is preventing me from making adult decisions with my emotions. So I continue to get back on my feet. Each time you knock me down, I get back up more and more difficultly. I need to learn to quit allowing this. Someday I may not be capable of getting up again.