Travelling Back Home

Today I travel back home from a week in Cincinnati. Work kicked my ass this week between not being able to sleep and having to sit through three straight days of hardcore systems training. Invaluable information, just too much all at once. I will go back through the material to absorb it. You are in the driving seat now. You know that too. It won’t always be that way, we go back and forth. I’m tired of this. Still I can’t break this cycle of unending pain and disappointment that we both seem to create. Somehow it still doesn’t outweigh the completeness that only you and I can share. You know this too. I will hurt for as long as I have to. You will enjoy the steering wheel for now. As I sit on this plane headed for my beloved LA I feel like I did during my flight back from San Jose many years ago. I hated the fact that I was sad returning to the only place I will ever be able to call home. I hate that someone or something can take away my usual excitement of returning home. As a kid I used to notice that my friends would be excited to get out of school and go home for the day. It was foreign to me. I never looked forward to getting out of school. It meant I had to be an adult again. Watch over my brothers, make dinner, clean the house, have an upset stomach again when hearing the garage door opening for my Step-Father to park and come in the house. The first time I noticed that feeling had truly subsided was when I drove back to LA after spending my first Christmas as a visitor to my hometown. Driving over the hill to a view of the rollercoasters at Magic Mountain, I would feel the smile form on my face. Rarely am I not happy to return to LA. Today is one of those times. To make matters worse, I wanted to leave Ohio. So where exactly do I want to be? I don’t think the description would give it justice. You will be happy to see me, I will be too. I just wish I could appreciate what is so obviously logically right. I love you, I feel that. I hope you do too. I want to believe I will have more to give. I feel safe with you. I don’t want to allow myself to believe, but somehow I just know you wouldn’t hurt me. Why can’t I just turn it off for good? You don’t deserve me anymore. You don’t deserve my heart anymore. I have so much inside that I just want to be able to trust can be released. How can all this starving love not be for someone? Someone who has truly earned it. I’m not a kid anymore and I know what is good for me. Unfortunately, my stunted growth is preventing me from making adult decisions with my emotions. So I continue to get back on my feet. Each time you knock me down, I get back up more and more difficultly. I need to learn to quit allowing this. Someday I may not be capable of getting up again.