All Grown Up and Shit

It’s my birthday month. My ex-fiancé used to claim the entire month of June as his “birthday month” even though his birthday wasn’t until the 25th. I liked the idea and adopted it for myself. I like the fact that my birthday is in January. For me the beginning of a new year is also the beginning of a new age in years. Next year I will turn the big 4-0. Yikes! How did the years pass so fast? I’m not sad or mad about the idea; it’s fine with me, I’ve actually got a lot of friends who are well into their 40s. The issue of turning a new decade is that my Mom is exactly (to the day) 20 years older than me. This means she’ll be turning 60 on my 40th birthday. On our 30th and 50th birthdays my Step-Father, Aunt and my Mom’s best friend had a huge bash up near my hometown. It was a huge sit-down dinner, dancing, even Mariachi’s (ugh). I had come out to my Mom two years earlier. She and I had a very strained relationship because of this. She figured all the money she had put aside for the big Mexican wedding she dreamed of having for her only daughter was out. So, she decided to give the green light to spending it on a big birthday bash for herself. She called me and said she would like it if I also celebrated my birthday with her. I thought about it and concluded that I really had no choice. If I wanted to be there to celebrate my Mom’s 50th birthday all of my family and most of her friends would know it was my 30th too. If I didn’t want to, I would look like a complete ass to all of those people for not being there. Fine, I said yes. It didn’t help that none of my friends from LA were there with me. These were the people who knew me at that time, especially since I had come out once I moved here. I remember back then seeing what a difference it was between my life here and up there. I would tell people that I felt like there was a Northern California Monica, the one I left behind, and a Southern California Monica, the person I truly was. I tried, I really did, but I have very few positive memories about that evening. The following year, to sort of make up for this, my then girlfriend threw me a surprise birthday party. This was a lot of fun and I was really surprised and happy, but I still didn’t get to plan this out. My relationship with my Mom has really come a long way in the past nine years and we are much closer now. Last year she expressed that she wanted us to once again celebrate our 40th and 60th birthdays together; this time in New York. She’s never been. I told her I would love to go but only if we also go to Atlantic City, a place I have yet to visit. This trip will be one that she wanted. I would love nothing more than to spend my birthday here, with my friends. I will however, plan out this trip with my Mom because as I’ve always been aware, there will more than likely come a time that she won’t be here to share this day with me. I’m not sure what my birthdays will be like emotionally for me then but I know for now I want to celebrate with her when I can. Tangent: I remember when I was a rebellious teenager and was arguing with her I once said that sharing my birthday with her was worse than having a twin. I said that as a twin you didn’t get your own birthday but you are probably going to live to be about the same age. In our case, she got to have 19 years of when her birthday was only her special day. For me, not only have I never had that, but when she dies my birthday still won’t be just mine AND people will be sad remembering her. Won’t that be joyous for me! God, kids say the darndest things, don’t they? Anyway, I figure because of all of this that I want to have a special birthday celebration of my own doing with my friends down here. Since next year I’ll be busy planning for my trip, I want to plan something this year to recognize the last of my 30s; just not sure exactly what yet. If anyone has any ideas, please throw them out there. On another note I did some more home improvement work over the weekend. Nothing big, but I changed out just about all the light switches in the house (I miscounted and ran out so I’ll be running back to Home Depot to complete this task this week). Replaced the ancient toggle switches with updated flat ones and installed a few dimmer switches throughout the place. I also replaced all the wall plates with nicer ones. I got quite a few gift cards for Christmas from those who know I want to do some things to my place. Later in the year I hope to remodel the bathroom and update the kitchen. For now though, I will concentrate on the small, inexpensive stuff. Next comes the kitchen faucet and some new living room and dining room light fixtures. I got my crash course on electrical wiring courtesy of the internet this weekend. I found some great do-it-yourself sites and am ready to absorb some home improvement education and get my hands dirty this year making my home more and more mine.