Happy Valentine's Day

I got a Valentine’s Day card in the mail today from my Mom. I got one yesterday from my Dad. They’re up in my room where I can appreciate them. For some reason I seem to be appreciating gestures like these a lot more these days. I can’t seem to figure out whether it’s because we recognize the meaning behind these things more as we age or simply because they’re the only Valentine’s Day cards I will get this year. Now I’m not whining but this is another year of me being single on this day. It’s been many. As I read back on my entries I see that my life is pretty damn good right now. There’s still a part of me though that gets reminded from time to time that it is just me here plugging away. I have great friends, am getting along really exceptionally well with my family, enjoy the vast majority of my co-workers and even live in a great neighborhood where we are virtually all friends. Yet pretty much every night it’s just me turning off the lights as I drift off to sleep and just me when my eyes open back up in the daylight of the morning. Before the last 3 ½ years I was in a five year relationship. This was following a brief six months of singlehood after a 7 year stint ending in me breaking off an engagement to come out. The truth is, until I was in my thirties, I really had no idea what it was like to truly be single as an adult. I have to admit at first I utterly hated it. Now though I see some benefits. Actually sometimes I see more benefits than disadvantages. And, in rare moments, I get scared that I may grow to become too set in my ways to want to share a life, let alone living arrangements, with another person. At some point though I always find myself back to the place where I really wish I was part of a strong, long-lasting, committed couple. The sad part is the older I get and the more I experience or see through others, the more I doubt I will ever be able to be as giving of myself, loyal, honest, and trusting to someone. I won’t go so far to say I’m bitter. Let’s just say I’m extremely skeptical for now. I hope that will change either by me gaining more faith in people or by someone just coming into my life and blowing my mind. Until then, I can’t allow myself to settle into a mindset of disbelief. So Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who is lucky enough to have all that I desire. Happy Valentine’s Day to my family and good friends because you are the people for whom I eternally have love in my heart. And, last but not least, Happy Valentine’s Day to me because I could never give the kind of love I want to another until I can give it to myself.