Pillow Talk

Another week is almost behind me. I really can’t believe it’s April. The first quarter of the year is over already. Time just keeps on flying by and sometimes I wonder what it is that I’m meant to be doing with my life. It’s late on a Thursday night and I’m sitting up in bed when most single men and women in my neighborhood are just a few blocks away at the hot spot for this night of the week. I’m not the least bit interested in being there and rarely am. Does knowing this negate my right to question why I continue to be single? I’m not sure that it does. At this moment in my life I’m not really bothered about the fact that I’ve now been on my own for over 3 ½ years; the longest period in my adult life. Despite this, in the long term I don’t want it to remain that way. So where exactly does this put me? I don’t like, and never really have, meeting women at a bar. I don’t play sports or belong to any clubs. Surprisingly I do meet women at work although the vast majority of them are not single and the ones that are really aren’t my type. The sad fact is it’s really difficult to find potential dating-material women. From what I hear from my straight female friends, in LA it’s pretty difficult to meet potential dating-material people as a whole. Although this is supposed to make me think we’re all in the same boat, I know we’re not. In fact, all this does is show me that LA may just be a tougher dating scene in general than other cities. Instead of comforting me as I believe the intention is, it gives me even less hope that I’ll meet someone who I truly connect with. Meanwhile, all around me I see so many couples who shouldn’t be together. It’s my whole “forcing a square into a circle” syndrome. You can make it fit, but in reality it just doesn’t. Some of these pairs I have no doubt will stay together for the long haul. I wouldn’t switch places with them for a day. I can’t even count how many conversations I’ve had with them about their unhappiness. Yet, they stay, year after year. What kind of life is that? Now I know there is no perfect relationship. Anything worth anything requires work. But you have to at least have some reward at the end of the challenge. At the end of each day, when your head hits the pillow, if your heart’s not warmed when you look at the head on the pillow next to you, why bother? This may sound morbid to some but my litmus test has always been this – If I were to die tomorrow would I know that I found the person that made my world complete? If I can’t honestly answer ‘yes’, then I have no business in that relationship. I have only felt that once in my life. Unfortunately, my partner changed her mind after 5 years. I still believe that I will find that head on the pillow…someday.